Howdy folks! I hope everything has been going well for you all because this little monkey has been struggling somewhat as of late. But no worries because tis the season of death as we inevitably embrace the season of rebirth and renewal. I.e. the lack of warmth and Sun leads to death, while their return causes green to sprout from beneath the ashes of that which has passed.
Another way of looking at this metaphorical reality is to compare it to one’s life throughout its ups and downs, and especially during its twists and turns. For me? Well as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been relinquishing my decade-old habit of masturbating to pornography in order to continue growing and developing along my path of healing from CPTSD.
Long story short, porn and masturbation allowed me to process sexual cravings while simultaneously lowering my attraction levels towards those around me. Why? Well my malignant narcissistic biological mother (that’s a mouthful) impressed the idea into my subconscious that I’d turn out just like my depressed alcoholic father who attempted to rape one of my sisters while he was under the influence of his preferred drug since he was denied affection from his own spouse. I.e. a major failure who’d inevitably hurt others.
So I relied on the aforementioned alternative for well over a decade because I was afraid, to put it simply. Not to mention the fact I wasn’t sure how to develop relationships or even act on another’s interest in me, and thus it’s safe to say I was completely lost with anything remotely related to sharing intimacy with others. With all of that said, eventually I arrived at the conclusion that I can persist in these behaviors or cast them out entirely in the hopes that I can embrace a new way of living with the understanding that I’m not a rapist simply because my sperm donor made a failed attempt before committing suicide months after the fact.
In any case, I digress. It’s been two FULL weeks since I’ve looked at any pornographic material or even masturbated, and this is the most success I’ve had thus far in releasing these habits. Why? Well I’ve tried in the past, failed multiple times (relapsed), quit, relapsed, and stopped for a while before returning to it less and less (but still returned). The more I’d partake, the more I realized I was flooding my thoughts with nothing but sex and fantasies that prohibited me from enjoying and embracing the present moment with others. I.e. made it difficult to relate with others in a nonsexual manner even though I wouldn’t speak about such things because I’m not forward.
Thoughts are clearer, I have more energy to devote to work, my voice is getting deeper, it’s getting increasingly easier to resist seeking out anything related to sex, and more importantly I’m noticing more and more garbage surface in the mind noodle for me to clean up. Now just what in the hell does that last point mean, some of you may be wondering? Well everyone has less than stellar bits floating around inside of them, and new layers of garbage reveal themselves whenever you’ve taken the time to clean off and process the layer that preceded them. Hence the onion analogy…
Now onto the real world experiences so it doesn’t sound like I’m just vomiting words in your direction for the sake of wasting your time. This little monkey has faced numerous disappointments in the past couple of weeks which include: problems with a new employer (one of those, and by one I mean many, moments where you have to be the “adult” in order to shake off another’s shortcomings in the form of being unprofessional), having to leave a counseling appointment because my new counselor double-booked after my appointment had already been scheduled, and becoming frustrated with my progress in regards to healing.
So what do all of those things have in common, if anything? One word: WOMEN. Now hold on because I’m not about to hate, and this is where that line of “thoughts are clearer” comes into play. In summation I realized that I could get upset and maintain intense levels of frustration regarding things that are practically beyond my control, or I could go with the flow and recognize my disappointment while also putting my best foot forward.
I realize I’ve endured 23 years of narcissistic abuse and parental neglect, during which I spent time around a lot of females who were fairly toxic and thus didn’t paint a pretty picture for women in general. Now granted this isn’t true for all of the women I’ve interacted with in the past because I had an Aunt and dated a couple of girls who were genuinely awesome, but yours truly wasn’t so much for a multitude of reasons (some already mentioned above). I.e. I know it’d be ridiculous to see every woman in a negative light based on my past experiences, and I inherently know most people in the world are simply trying to understand their own lives and where they fit in the big picture.
So for the employer? Well my focus is my client – her offspring, and thus I’m not there to “fix” her shortcomings but offer support for my client so they can be encouraged to develop new coping strategies for life. My counselor? Everyone makes mistakes, and I was honestly pissed off when I went to see her. So needless to say our newly scheduled appointment will actually work out better, and her other client more than likely received what they needed most at the exact time they needed it. My progress? I’ve suffered numerous years of abuse and neglect, and it’s only been TWO YEARS since I decided to go NC. I.e. give myself a break because there’s plenty of time, I’ve been through a lot and it’ll take time to unravel/heal, and it’s a miracle I’m doing as well as I am so if anything I should be giving myself a pat on the back for being who I am here and now.
In other news, and I’ll make this short because I’ve already rambled a bit, I received my first belt upgrade from Kuk Sool Won (martial arts I started a few months ago). Even for this I had to calm myself down when I was late to the ceremony because I had to literally chip a couple of centimeters worth of ice sticking to each of my windows, and the roads were fairly crummy. The closer I got to the location, the more defensive I became while I braced myself for being ridiculed and denied advancement. But all in all I kept telling myself everything would work out one way or another, and that I’d accept whatever came my way.
When I made it, all of the students were performing jumping jax in front of a gym filled with onlooking parents. Needless to say, I stood out with a black uniform and white belt even while crouching off to the side. My teacher then noticed me, and I expected him to shout my name for everyone to hear but he didn’t do that! In fact, he had his assistant come get me so I could go where I needed to be. We eventually had a break, and I bowed to my teacher while saying “I apologize for being late, sir” before looking back at his smiling face.
He then asked if I was okay, and I said yes before explaining the situation. He then responded by saying “I’m glad you were able to make it” while continuing to smile. I then thanked him for allowing me to participate before the procession started again, and my teacher gave a speech about how Kuk Sool Won is a family that supports each of its members in order to encourage individual growth and development. I didn’t catch it at first because these are words that have been expressed before, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was raised by an environment that used shame, guilt, and so on to produce conformance, but it wasn’t family-like. I may not be perfect, but I am accepted and encouraged by this family I call Kuk Sool Won. Tears are even forming from just writing this, and I definitely cried on the ride back home that day. Now one more thing happened before the ceremony ended, and that involved each student turning to the audience of parents and supporters before bowing and uttering the phrase “Kamsa-Hamnida,” which means Thank You in Korean.
One of my fellow students asked me where my parents where, and I responded frankly by saying “I don’t have parents.” He laughed and that was the end of that, although I felt bad afterwards because I technically have parents guiding me even if they’re not in the flesh. But thoughts started surfacing in my head telling me “we understand you didn’t mean to reject us, but it was better for you to answer as you did because now you won’t feel compelled to explain your views on the matter. Regardless, we love you and we’re proud of you. Congratulations on receiving your new belt. We knew you could do it!”
Did I mention I cried on the way home? In any case, thank you for taking the time to read. Today’s message was long, but once again thank you for sharing my experience with me.
Blessings and Love
Ladies and Gents, Let’s Show Our True Colors…
Featured Image: Giphy