So I’ve been pondering as of late how much I’ve grown and changed over the past six years. Okay? Some of you may be thinking, but just hold on and bear with me if you can. Most of you know that I grew up in a household that was managed by a depressed alcoholic father, who was whipped (along with the rest of us kiddies) by a malignant narcissistic mother.
Ouch! Well ya, it hurt growing up even though none of us really knew what to think about the situation considering how no one passed those terms around. Oh how wonderful it would have been for someone, anyone really to step up or in with a loudspeaker and shout the words – THIS FAMILY UNIT IS DYSFUNCTIONAL, so y’all need to get it together if ya wanna add something positive to the rest of an already dysfunctional society. (collective-wise)
But then again, who knows where’d I’d be! I do know for sure where I WAS headed since the mold I originally wore merely a year ago seems so markedly alien to me now. So let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we? Hmmmmm? Punch and pie afterwards for those who finish.
Kidding in all honesty because I don’t consume either, but I give you permission to gorge yourself if you want a scapegoat for deviating from your strict dietary shenanigans…
Down the rabbit hole we go!
Most of my teen years were spent huddled in my room as I peered longingly into a television or computer screen while escaping my hellish situation in the realm of video games. Recall how I didn’t even realize how knee-deep in turds I was – good gasp, I was even a turd myself…TURDCEPTION duh duh duuuuuh! What games? Some of you might be pondering.
Well I enjoyed role playing games (Elder Scrolls/KOTOR), first person shooters (HALO), and real-time strategy games like Supreme Commander, where’d I literally turtle my way (aka spent hours – sometimes around 7) through the scripted missions by reinforcing my defenses to where I would feel comfortable enough building entire fleets or armies to crush my computer opponent in a matter of seconds. Well maybe not seconds since the maps could extend pretty far to the point a single unit might take up to 10 minutes JUST to make contact with the “enemy.”
But in any case, I also enjoyed burning the Shire – Trixie Hobbitses! – in modded games like Third Age Total War where I would once again spend anywhere from 5-13 hours peering into a computer screen as I built up Mordor’s economy prior to unleashing virtual Hell upon Tolkien’s “goodies.” Oh how I loved to mow Rohan’s cavalry down with the Olog-hai (armored trolls) – and yes, I love both fantasy and scifi genres.
(I’m also Scot-Irish)
ANYWAYS – the point is I used to spend entire days playing games in the confines of my turdcave as opposed to getting out and about with friends or the opposite sex. Now granted I spent even more time attending extracurricular activities such as: chess, bowling, tennis, cross country, choir, specialty choir (Gr8X), orchestra, concert orchestra, youth symphony, student council, cello lessons, solo ensemble, all state-choir, all district orchestra, and so on. Gasp! (need to breathe) All of that in high school…
So when I got to college it’s not a wonder I locked myself indoors! But then again, I know where I learned the routine because my daddy used to come home every day from work as he sauntered into his bedroom to watch whatever game was playing at the time. I.e. monkey see, monkey doo (see what I did there?) I figured spending time by oneself was the most appropriate way to develop relationships with family, friends, and so on! Boy was I wrong…
In any case, I also used to LOVE meat (snark snark) – you could find me scarfing down a 16oz New York Strip steak (medium rare) with a side of Texas Toast, a massively unhealthy dose of sweet potato covered in marshmallows and brown sugar, an IBC Root Beer, and a slice of New York style cheesecake to top it off. Believe it or not, I was around 120 lbs even after eating dinners like this on occasion…in other words, I was a vacuum cleaner.
I also used to listen to some of the heaviest musayc (music) in my little turd-covered hole I called a room. Oohh what bands? Some of you metal heads might be pondering. Well I started off listening to Mudvayne and Slipknot in high school, which was quite a difference from having spent most of my time listening to soundtracks and orchestral genres.
Oh bullocks, none of those are heavy! (some of you might be thinking) Well then I moved onto groups like Lamb of God. Now we’re getting heavier, and no it’s not a Christian band for those wondering. Then I started listening to groups like Prostitute Disfigurement, Lord Gore, and Cannibal Corpse. (uhhh…)
THEN (how can this get any worse, some of you are thinking) I got into black metal groups like Dimmu Borgir, Behemoth, Watain, Rotting Christ – there’s an appropriate band for Sunday Skewl, although the last ones mentioned practically all fit that descriptor.
THEN I started perusing interesting groups that will go unmentioned because believe it or not, those are even worse than the last ones mentioned in terms of how they affect one’s mood and life in general because not everything in the universe has your best interests in mind! And to think I used to listen to all of that “deep-end stuff” 24/7…
By the way, I’m not dissing anyone who listens to those genres or groups because to each their own!
I even wore black most of the time (gee, I wonder why?) and spent most of my time keeping my head down as opposed to socializing with the seemingly happy and cheery people who surrounded me while out and about.
Now granted me keeping my head down had A LOT to do with my upbringing since my subconscious associated attention with negativity and beat downs (emotionally and psychologically – ya know, the ones that don’t leave visible scars?) However, I also know it had a lot to do with what I exposed my mind to on a continual basis – thus why it’s so IMPORTANT to be conscious of such things…
But in any case, it’s been well over a year since I first went No Contact with my entire family. So what does AC look like nowadays?
Well I rarely wear black because blue fits me more so nowadays – switched from one B color to another haha. Think of it like a calm sky without a cloud in its bosom, or a shimmering pool that has never seen a turd in its life. I also wear more colors like red, white, (oh lord, flag jokes) green, gray, and more blue because I can. I even wear sandals more than my old black boots! But I wear my blue shoes even more than either of those…
I still have one black shirt that has Scotland written across the chest…I love that shirt.
By the way, Braveheart isn’t historically accurate and it portrays my clan (Bruce) in a poor light which is completely frustrating because Hollywood prefers sensationalism to accuracy.
So apparel has obviously changed – what about my musical tastes? Funny thing is, I rarely listen to metal anymore! Like at all, really. Why? Because MORCHEEBA, dance music (David Guetta, Avicii, etc.) Earth Wind & Fire, Of Monsters and Men, Tool/A Perfect Circle (because it’s not heavy – to me – and actually has something to say), and MUCH MORE.
Plus, I still dig me some orchestral because dayum it never gets old. Oh wait…(pun intended because most of those guys like Holst, Beethoven, Vivaldi, etc. are deader than dead) James Newton Howard, John Williams, Jeremy Seoul, Howard Shore, etc. = mmmmm Love it!
I’m also about as close to being a Vegan as one can possible get because I like to pig out on a little garlic bread every now and then, but for the most part I’ve cut dairy out entirely. As for meat? Good lord that stuff would destroy me if I ate it because it’s been almost two years since I’ve had anything one could call meat! And I must say, rice mixed with potatoes is wonderful – now I understand how my ancestors could live off starch alone!
I do eat other things, but it’s all produce based…
But what about forms of entertainment?
Gee willikers, y’all just want all of the details! Okay, well I actually don’t play video games anymore.
I actually don’t play video games anymore…
Nope, this is AARON!
I ended up selling my gaming rig (custom built PC for those who don’t know) around the same time I left my family, and in all honesty no form of entertainment has been able to compare to what life has to offer. I’m dead serious too because I almost died (no joke), and the experience shocked me enough to value that which I find most precious – my life.
You see, I really enjoy reading, drawing, singing, spending time with my cat, hiking in the daylight (used to take night walks), cooking, swimming, exercising, WRITING (go figure), meditating, laughing, and using baby wipes because toilet paper sucks. Just sayin…
I EVEN enjoy socializing with people nowadays because I have developed enough confidence in myself (via meditating and TAKING CARE of my mind/body/spirit) to spend time around others without having to worry whether or not I’ll be okay if they fall short in some way, shape, or form. I.e. the problems of my past aren’t a part of my life…
So the old turd was flushed, and a new turd was released!
Well okay, I’m not a complete turd…
But I know there are things I still have to work on because we never stop growing or developing unless we choose to do so.
Me? I’m not stopping, and I have no intention of doing so because I’m enjoying the life that was given to me.
I’m 25 now, and I’m realllllllllly looking forward to what’s just around the bend because I know I’m loving the present I’ve created for myself as a result from the work I’ve accomplished.
I know a lot of you guys are still struggling with inner/outer critics, messy subconscious programming, and so on – so don’t get me wrong when I make light of something that more than likely keeps you up at night because I totally get where you’re coming from.
BUT the good news is that it CAN BE OVERCOME, and a NEW LIFE CAN BE BIRTHED as a result.
So please, check out my free books and heal yourself because you totally deserve to experience a renewal of your potential in THIS life.
BLESSINGS and LOVE
Featured Image: Giphy (Tumblr)